Why is it SO hard to get your heart and your head on the same page? The "convictions" I ranted and raved about in an earlier blog, wax and wane from hour to hour! I DO believe what I wrote about finding a centeredness for myself and staying on track with it! I'm a good, caring person and as much as I DO know it, in my loneliness and isolation...I fall back to the feelings of missing, wanting, confusion, HURT...nagging questions of"what if," "why not," WHY, WHY, WHY?!!!!"
I wish I had the emotional light switch that so many people have. Simply turn off the invasive, non-productive thoughts and in the arena I'm talking about, feeling LOVE for another person. HOW do you turn off the relentless cycle of thoughts that create self loathing and self doubt? How do you turn off LOVE, caring, closeness, friendship? ****light-bulb moment...one has to HAVE those feelings in the first place! OMG! Therein lies the answer. How do I miss the fucking OBVIOUS every time? He did NOT feel the same!**** and replace them with what...air? Nothing? Work? The psycho-babble buzz words better known as positive affirmations? I have NEVER been that person. I don't have a light switch! How can you love someone one minute, flip the switch and forget about them the next? Eradicate them from your life? I'm baffled, envious and mystified by people who have the light-switch ability.
I'll be back to edit this later. Sometimes I just need to get it out as it falls out of my brain and as you can see...it's a mess!
November 1, 2009~No editing. I think I have enough here to get my thoughts across. November 1, 2009! Amazing!
