HEAVINESS

Do you know it? Is it the same for everyone? The oppressive, can't breathe, can't think, struggle to get the universe off your chest kind of heaviness? I have that....again. Well, I've been struggling with it for about 7 months (In two days it will be exactly 7 months) but, it had started to subside a little and some days I thought I was going to be okay. Until yesterday. Yesterday, I decided to temp fate and make contact with the person who still has my heart. My heart feels broken and shattered all over again because of the exchange. And, it was simply contact through online comments and messages. Short, sweet, to the point, yet hidden meanings understood. On my part anyway. Maybe he missed my subtle messages. I can't know. And, now...I'm sure I read to much in to what he wrote. Hello 21st century and the age of online communication. I shouldn't complain about communicating with him this way. We started a "relationship", grew closer than if we were always together physically, shared secrets and dreams and got to know each other MUCH MORE intimately via conversation on the internet. We had no choice. We we were 1600 miles apart! For me...that's the really hard part. I DID share more with him than ANY other man I've loved. I was more myself with him than any other man I've loved. We took our time getting to know each other without all that other "stuff" getting in the way to skew real emotions. I have to speak for myself...I allowed myself to get to know him on a cerebral level rather than physically and it made ALL the difference in the world...to me! I had to share my emotions and thoughts rather than...well, you know, just jumping in... It's what I romanticize and fantasize and miss the VERY most about him...HIS MIND! I felt challenged. And yes, sometimes annoyed. His conversation. I wanted to share everything with him. His maturity. I wanted to settle down and be the REAL me, not the facade of how most people know me. His openness. He made me want to be open and honest. His way of thinking! His ability to make me THINK and change my mind about things. His creativity. He inspired a new passion in my creativity. His intelligence (he's so smart). He made me want to learn. His BEING. He created peace in me. His essence! He showed me I wanted to be a better person. I became gentler, kinder, balanced,  optimistic...I miss him everyday. Yet EVERYDAY, I have to remind myself that he doesn't want me! Not the way I want him! I know he'd love to be friends. He did say once that THAT is what he'll miss about me, my friendship. I believe we were BEST friends! How could we not have been. We covered EVERYTHING there is to talk about between best friends! God, that hurts! But, I just can't have this kind of emotion AND be his friend...still love him, and hear him talk about...his life. I'm truly, completely afraid of what I'll hear. How someone, NOT ME, has captured his AMAZING heart.