In a MOMENT (or 97 minutes), at the right time, in the right place, given your mindset and life experiences...even the smallest, if yet silly "thing" can be transforming.

 

*i DON'T KNOW THE AUTHOR*

To let go isn't to forgot, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.

 

What is it in me?

The tapes in my head.
I guess in 2010, they're CD/DVD's or some other sophisticated data storage acronym thingy.

My tapes(I'm old) play some pretty heady messages. In 49 years, I've processed 4 or 5 or a dozen consistent ramblings through my head. A better statement are hundreds of messages are trapped in my head. I just caught myself speaking a usually silent buzz phrase, out loud. This particular message is meant to soothe, justify, pacify, heal...make me feel better. I actually stared at myself in the mirror, chanted the words, then just stopped and stared at myself. Angrily, out LOUD, I said "STOP SAYING THAT!" I don't even really hear the message anymore anyway. Why run it thoughtlessly in my head or free it verbally...out in to the universe? It's just one of those looping mind trick thoughts that didn't get erased or replaced by anything different as my life marched on but, I continue to use it as a blanket of help.

The message I'm writing about: "It doesn't matter!"

Well now, isn't this effective? Notsamuch! It's not a thought or spoken words with any ACTION behind it to combat the offense I want it for anyway. That's all that phrase has become, words. Three measly words. Those 3 words have lost their power that may have worked when I originally started using them, when I wanted or needed them as a coping process.

So, I must replace "it doesn't matter" with something much more positive, with much more direction or lose it all together.

"It doesn't matter" has been rendered powerless, yet...I still sense the track is looping around again in the tape player of my mind.

Madonna - The Power Of Good-Bye

When it cracks...it's WIDE open

I got THE phone call last night I've been dreaming of for MONTHS now. It was late, I had my old faithful Ambien digested so I don't recall EVERY word which, makes me a bit sad, because I HAVE been anticipating what I might say at this moment for SUCH a long time. It's always the whir in the aftermath when you feel like you SHOULD have said this or that. When your brain goes in to full tilt and every possible scenario of the exchange gets played out, but it's to late. The moment is gone.  I was however, left WARM, confused, hopeful, sensing a finality, MIXED UP and afraid all at the same time. LOL! I CAN LOL at this. It feels pretty good that I can process what happened and be at relative peace with it. It means no matter what happens from here...I will be okay! I WON'T analyze the call any more. Okay...yes I will, but...I'm going to try to just let it go. It is what it is. There is no changing the interaction.
This isn't the point of this blog though. It is the precipice for some new awakenings in my soul. I've been getting closer and closer to connecting some things that have been swirling around in my head that happened in my past.

Left with my thoughts after the call, an IMAGE came to me. It's an actual situation that happened to me and I've ended up attaching this real scenario to MANY situations that have happened to me since. I had this vision after hanging up the phone. I HOPE it's not an omen for the outcome! But, I've been here before with the person. I survived once or twice before. I can overcome a third time.

My parents divorced when I was 15. I didn't know why, how, when my parents made their decision. I mean, it was a living HELL in the house, but, NOTHING was EVER explained to me or my younger sister and brother. I found out my dad was leaving when I walked in to my parents bedroom and saw a bunch of packed bags. I asked what was going on and my mother in all her hatefulness told me "your father is leaving." MmmmmmK...how does a 15 year old react to that bomb? This 15 year old walked out of their room and in to my own. I closed and locked my door. Some time after that, my dad came down to my room, knocked on the door, gave me about 3 seconds to respond and said "I'm leaving now." I didn't say a word, move a muscle or acknowledge his presence. A few minutes later I heard his car start. I flew from my bed, scrambled to open my door, raced up the stairs, ran to the front door, swung it open and rivaled Hermes to run for my dad as he was pulling forward to leave down the street. With the wailing and terror only those who have agonized the loss of their world as they know it, I made it to the middle of the street, shrieking for my dad to come back...please don't leave, screaming for him, only to see the back of his car flicker in the sun as he was GONE, mostly for good, from my life! WHOA!

This is in some form or fashion the same affect I feel when someone, when a MAN I love and care about, leaves from my life. It's the helpless, abandoned, LEFT ALONE feeling. There I am, alone...watching as "he" leaves me standing...stunned in the wake. I kinda had this image last night. I was a child again. I was left alone and and just like when I was 15, I was expected to morph in to some kind of maturity and take care of myself and deal with the situation with NO guidance...or love. How can a kid handle a traumatic event without help from an adult? They don't, is the answer. Now that I have this down in written form, the correlation between my phone call last night and my childhood experience don't really match up. But, somehow after chatting on the phone, this imagery did pop in to my head. So, there is SOMETHING here I probably still need to tie together and explore. Interesting.

In addition, within the past 3-4 months or so, I have had another scenario that I have been able to ABSOLUTELY clarify in my head and put in to words:

My dad left me for another woman...another GIRL!

I have finally been able to verbalize this with lightening bolt clarity!

My dad left our home and within a short amount of time, married a GIRL...a girl TWENTY NINE years younger than himself. Here's a better picture. My dad was 47 when he married a girl who was 18!!!!! Yeah sure, that happens EVERY day. I get that. But, my dad showed me that he rather spend time with a girl EXACTLY my same age than be with me or spend time with me! I've been carrying this shit around for about ohhhhhh...THIRTY years!!!! Now that I finally got it sorted out in my head, I can see how I have been impacted my WHOLE life by this cozy little cluster fuck. Thanks dad! Yet, as soon as I came to this precise discovery, I have felt better. I don't feel like I'm so crazy anymore. With maturity, life experiences, tons of therapy...growing up and taking responsibility for my own actions...I really do have a calmness regarding what happened to me at 15-18 years old!

For now, I'm done with this blog. Purging and giving myself written word to come back to is really helping me! I may come back to this and add or subtract, but, for now...here is a another glimpse in to Kim Edwards and all that comes with me!

Maybe next time I'll write something funny or less depressing! :)

 

DAD

In a conversation that may have lasted four minutes my dad revealed this bit of information to me. It was Veteran's Day. I don't call my dad often, certainly not often enough. I did want him to know that I was acknowledging his service to his country as were some people on my Facebook page. I didn't really get in to the Facebook thing with him...but, I did share that others wanted me to pass on their gratitude as well. I don't have a thing in common with my dad. I used to have a ton of contempt for him, reasonable or not. That has drifted off to a boxed in place that only opens occasionally these days. Ooooh, looks like I have a whole new blog that can come from this little blurb.


I posted this on my Facebook and thought I'd like to add it here as well. I was having an email exchange with a FB friend, Michael Brookman. Both our dads served in Korea and Brookman was wondering, if in a LONG shot, our dads knew each other. That's why parts of this post are conversational and refer to Brookman.

My dad NEVER talks about his combat career. He said more tonight than he ever has. War is SUCH bullshit! Sorry if you disagree. Our troops are national treasures and they are treated horribly, IMHO.

Here goes. My dad was:

Infantry
Dog Company outfit (now called Delta or D company)
2nd Battalion
1st Marine
1st Marine Division

Phew!

He was part of the Chosin Reservoir under General "Chestney" Puller, Division Commander. (A correction here; Chesty Puller)
I guess it was a pretty publicized situation, because my dad kept saying "you know the story" Uhhhhh, NO...I don't!

The Chinese had the guys cut off from all the other Marines. The Chinese had the Marines surrounded so it was ON! Dad said those Chinese soldiers were high on opium and that their feet were all but falling off from frost bite because they were barefoot! Dad said they were crazy and weren't afraid to die due to the cold, drugs and the whole situation! Dad said the General said..."well, I guess those guys won't get away from us THIS time!" LOL...NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean seriously. The Marines were WAY out numbered, but they fought their way out! Dad was wounded from a grenade. All he said about that was, "that's how close I was to the combat." GEEZUS! I do NOT envy ANY soldier who sees ANY kind of combat! I would have gone insane, literally!

Anyway, share this with your dad. My dad didn't recall a Brookman. He said it's probably because he, dad, was Infantry. Dad lied about his age to enlist, barely has a HS education and needed to get out of the speck of the town he was from. Crawfordville, Ga. out I-20 toward Augusta. His full name is: Drury Max Edwards. He's not the smartest man and I've never had much a of a relationship with him. But, I do admire his call to service. I SWEAR...he attends EVERY Marine "thing" he's invited too. He goes to Parris Island ever year for some kind of event/reunion/Memorial. It's a shame I'm so ill informed. I never really cared much. I'll be doing a LOT more research now. See what I can ask him before he dies and while his mind is still relatively healthy. He turned 77 in October. You're dad must be close to the same age?

Wow! That was a LOT of information! Hope you're having a lovely evening!

Here's to US having dad's who were BRAVE!

Kim

Dad retired about as high as he could being an enlisted man...Master Gunnery Sargent. He LOVED the military and it left him a lost man when he retired!
This is making me VERY sad.
I'm leaving it for now.
THANKS dad!

GULP! Just added:


"The fighting at the Chosin Reservoir was the most violent small unit fighting in the history of American warfare. No other operation in the American book of war quite compares with the show [the battle of the Chosin Reservoir] by the First Marine Division [and attached U.S. Army and British Royal Marines]."
General S.L.A. Marshall, Prominent Army Historian of the Twentieth Century

and this:

http://www.marines.com/main/index/winning_battles/history/missions/chosin_reservoir

WOW dad! No wonder you NEVER talk about this!

 

CONCENTRATE

I have about 4 different blogs that are in various stages of completion. I wish I could just speak in to a microphone, like a 1950's dictation machine, and the computer would type the words. I do have one of those little recorder thingys. Maybe I should try that. I don't even know how to work it. :( There has GOT to be a current computer program out there that does this very thing. Anyone know what or where I can find it? Off to Google in a minute.
HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO...Bill Gates. Steve Jobs? I'm sure this gadget/app/program exists. I just don't know about it. There's a shocker! I'm one of those really stereotypical people...I don't know what I do NOT know! It's sad really. Yet, it keeps me a tad naive as well. Sometimes, it okay to not know. I think. LOL! Then again, it makes me a tad ill informed.
My thoughts travel at warp speed compared to my typing ability. I'm a bad enough writer so when my thoughts are a big jumbled mess, and add poor typing to the mix...SHEESH! You have a hard to read blog. It's a wonder I try to do a blog at all. I can't get my thoughts cohesive with a coherent flow. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! Now I'm cracking myself up because, this makes little sense. It does in THIS head! Another scary process. Yet, I want an outlet for my own sanity.

I'm doing this as kind of a place to add some of the pictures I take more than anything. With that said, I accept any photography help offered.

                                                                

                                                                            BOOTSIE. AKA: TINY

Like a brother!

Random

What I WANT to believe!!!!!!

Sometimes, it takes a VERY long time to learn a lesson. Sometimes, lessons come to you almost immediately after the "test." I think I'm a slow learner. :) I KNOW I am. But, once I do find the path where my struggles are lightened and lifted, I do my best to remember the journey. As usual (my self fulfilled prophecy?!!!), I'm in a position where I want my head and heart to come together and play on the same field. PLEASE get there already!!!! The more I find inspiration in quotes, poems, letters, writing...which rings the bell of TRUTH in me, I feel like I get closer and closer to peace.
Are you buying this FOR me? I have GOT to buy in to it for myself!
See how much of this applies to you and where you are, RIGHT NOW, in your life.

The Awakening
(Author unknown)

A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

 

UGH!
Why is it SO hard to get your heart and your head on the same page? The "convictions" I ranted and raved about in an earlier blog, wax and wane from hour to hour! I DO believe what I wrote about finding a centeredness for myself and staying on track with it! I'm a good, caring person and as much as I DO know it, in my loneliness and isolation...I fall back to the feelings of missing, wanting, confusion, HURT...nagging questions of"what if," "why not," WHY, WHY, WHY?!!!!"
I wish I had the emotional light switch that so many people have. Simply turn off the invasive, non-productive thoughts and in the arena I'm talking about, feeling LOVE for another person. HOW do you turn off the relentless cycle of thoughts that create self loathing and self doubt? How do you turn off LOVE, caring, closeness, friendship? ****light-bulb moment...one has to HAVE those feelings in the first place! OMG! Therein lies the answer. How do I miss the fucking OBVIOUS every time? He did NOT feel the same!**** and replace them with what...air? Nothing? Work? The psycho-babble buzz words better known as positive affirmations? I have NEVER been that person. I don't have a light switch! How can you love someone one minute, flip the switch and forget about them the next? Eradicate them from your life? I'm baffled, envious and mystified by people who have the light-switch ability.

I'll be back to edit this later. Sometimes I just need to get it out as it falls out of my brain and as you can see...it's a mess!

November 1, 2009~No editing. I think I have enough here to get my thoughts across. November 1, 2009! Amazing!