UGH!
Why is it SO hard to get your heart and your head on the same page? The "convictions" I ranted and raved about in an earlier blog, wax and wane from hour to hour! I DO believe what I wrote about finding a centeredness for myself and staying on track with it! I'm a good, caring person and as much as I DO know it, in my loneliness and isolation...I fall back to the feelings of missing, wanting, confusion, HURT...nagging questions of"what if," "why not," WHY, WHY, WHY?!!!!"
I wish I had the emotional light switch that so many people have. Simply turn off the invasive, non-productive thoughts and in the arena I'm talking about, feeling LOVE for another person. HOW do you turn off the relentless cycle of thoughts that create self loathing and self doubt? How do you turn off LOVE, caring, closeness, friendship? ****light-bulb moment...one has to HAVE those feelings in the first place! OMG! Therein lies the answer. How do I miss the fucking OBVIOUS every time? He did NOT feel the same!**** and replace them with what...air? Nothing? Work? The psycho-babble buzz words better known as positive affirmations? I have NEVER been that person. I don't have a light switch! How can you love someone one minute, flip the switch and forget about them the next? Eradicate them from your life? I'm baffled, envious and mystified by people who have the light-switch ability.

I'll be back to edit this later. Sometimes I just need to get it out as it falls out of my brain and as you can see...it's a mess!

November 1, 2009~No editing. I think I have enough here to get my thoughts across. November 1, 2009! Amazing!

BE ENLIGHTENED!!!

Not one original thought, photo, opinion, hissy fit, whine, rant or epiphany! Just some "quotes" to remember and incorporate in to my daily living.
That is all~
Buh-bye!




Today's mantras:

 

 

EYE OPENING

I had one of those jarring, wake you from your sleep, blazing epiphanies in the wee hours this morning. At the time, actually for about an hour, maybe a little more...that universal life sucking heaviness I referred to in my last blog, was relieved. I could actually breathe for a while. Deep breaths. I felt some calmness, serenity and understanding. Some of the darkness flowed from the rigid, tenseness of my body. I felt like a hostage set free! I had a reprieve and felt some light. I hoped with all hope it would stay with me...forever. It's subsided now but, I think I will get to take some of the initial  realization with me into the future.
I ended up deleting a huge part of this blog. It just seemed I needed to keep the rant for myself. But, I will share this...

I always make the end of a relationship MY fault. Regardless if the guy was pure evil, a raging alcoholic, emotionally dead, ridiculously immature or, admittedly and repeatedly unavailable. What I'm changing my mind to believe is that I am the catch. It's NOT all my fault! I am worth loving. I am a pretty damn amazing woman in a relationship and as a friend! If I give to much emotionally, physically and tangibly and YOU can't handle it, it's YOUR loss! YOUR problem! I FUCKING ROCK! To many men, BOYS, I have been with just couldn't deal with my honesty, integrity, spirit, GIVING heart... Most of them didn't DESERVE the ME I gave them!!!!! How sad and pathetic for them! If you'd rather have the bitchy, selfish, porn star (looking and acting), lying, self centered, controllable "sweetheart"...knock your self OUT, again and again and again, over and over and over...
Sidebar: Beauty fades, stupid stays! And, even mind blowing sex becomes mundane when attached to a shell of a human being~
I suspect the end result will be the same for you, as it always is. Just like my very own storyline and its ending! I acknowledge this!!!!!!!!!
To quote Albert Einstein, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I'm jumping OFF the fucking crazy train! I'm going to stop my own insanity!  I deserve better. I want better. I will have better because I am going to give myself to me and treat myself like I treated those thankless "boys!" Assholes! What the FUCK was I thinking????????????! Only one and about a half, are not regrettable yet, they didn't work either. So? What was the deal? They will both most likely make it to the WTF category. No. One will not be lumped into the WTF category for sure! But, I STILL wonder "why/why not" with him. The others...what GIGANTIC bullets I dodged by not spending more time with them! Or tragically being connected for a lifetime via a child! Trust me, I WASTED...WASTED, plenty of precious life and time crying over them and not understanding what I did wrong. I'm DONE! Done with assuming ALL the blame.

My epiphany was...I would rather be me or be like me than EVER lower my bar again for someone who doesn't deserve me and ALL that comes with me! If you've spent even a minute with me...you know what a monumental statement this is for me to make about myself! And so is this...I am an OUTSTANDING person!
I will respect myself, pay attention to my intuition and NEVER allow myself to accept less than 100% love EVER again! This goes for women and friendships as well. The other realization that happened in the early morning hours...love may NEVER happen for me again! I'd rather have NO ONE...EVER again, than compromise who I am one more time! Yes...I am using NEVER and EVER! I mean it! I NOW expect the very best for myself. If you're not it...MOVE the fuck ON! I will NOT waste my precious time and beautiful heart on your ass! I can "do" alone! It may even be best for me. But, I will NOT be compromising!
Al I can do at this point is to tell myself over and over that I do deserve THE BEST and hope I put it into ACTION and stay TRUE to my conviction!!!!!!