Sunday, November 1, 2009

What I WANT to believe!!!!!!

Sometimes, it takes a VERY long time to learn a lesson. Sometimes, lessons come to you almost immediately after the "test." I think I'm a slow learner. :) I KNOW I am. But, once I do find the path where my struggles are lightened and lifted, I do my best to remember the journey. As usual (my self fulfilled prophecy?!!!), I'm in a position where I want my head and heart to come together and play on the same field. PLEASE get there already!!!! The more I find inspiration in quotes, poems, letters, writing...which rings the bell of TRUTH in me, I feel like I get closer and closer to peace.
Are you buying this FOR me? I have GOT to buy in to it for myself!
See how much of this applies to you and where you are, RIGHT NOW, in your life.









The Awakening
(Author unknown)













A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.







 








Thursday, October 29, 2009

UGH!
Why is it SO hard to get your heart and your head on the same page? The "convictions" I ranted and raved about in an earlier blog, wax and wane from hour to hour! I DO believe what I wrote about finding a centeredness for myself and staying on track with it! I'm a good, caring person and as much as I DO know it, in my loneliness and isolation...I fall back to the feelings of missing, wanting, confusion, HURT...nagging questions of"what if," "why not," WHY, WHY, WHY?!!!!"
I wish I had the emotional light switch that so many people have. Simply turn off the invasive, non-productive thoughts and in the arena I'm talking about, feeling LOVE for another person. HOW do you turn off the relentless cycle of thoughts that create self loathing and self doubt? How do you turn off LOVE, caring, closeness, friendship? ****light-bulb moment...one has to HAVE those feelings in the first place! OMG! Therein lies the answer. How do I miss the fucking OBVIOUS every time? He did NOT feel the same!**** and replace them with what...air? Nothing? Work? The psycho-babble buzz words better known as positive affirmations? I have NEVER been that person. I don't have a light switch! How can you love someone one minute, flip the switch and forget about them the next? Eradicate them from your life? I'm baffled, envious and mystified by people who have the light-switch ability.

I'll be back to edit this later. Sometimes I just need to get it out as it falls out of my brain and as you can see...it's a mess!

November 1, 2009~No editing. I think I have enough here to get my thoughts across. November 1, 2009! Amazing!








Friday, October 23, 2009

SIGNATURE PIECE

I'm a "fishnets" girl. As soon as the weather cools off, or after Labor Day :)...I break out the fishnets. I have tons. I wear them under pants, skirts, jeans to a lesser degree, everything...all the time. People who know me well will comment and say THEY know it's fall because I have on "the nets."
 About 6 years ago or so, my boss at the time, (let's name her PATHETIC) called me in to her office. She suggested I reconsider my choice of clothes that include fishnets. I was shocked, annoyed then pissed! This coming from a woman who has the most horrific taste in EVERYTHING, mostly her clothes. Here is an example of one of Pathetic's favorite outfits: cheap ass, poorly made WHITE, patent leather open toed shoes, scuffed and dirty, with black stockings. No wait. Stockings are elegant, sexy. She wore pantyhose. Thick, ugly, reinforced toe pantyhose. The kind that come packaged in an EGG! She would pair that look with a ragged, summery peasant skirt of technicolor barf, a pilled and misshapen turtle neck with food stains, smarty accentuated with a Christmas theme vest...in JULY! You tell me who should be telling whom what to wear? It appears the bosses "assistant" (let's call her Tammy) thought because I wore fishnets, that she could wear fishnets, too. Why not? Worn smartly and with an ounce of class, they look very professional and stylish. Well, Tammy took fishnets to a whole other level. I don't have the energy to go in to the lurid details at this time. Use your imagination. Then, trash that image up by 400! I said TRASH it up or porn it up, not create some vixen looking goddess. I guess for some, that could be a good look. Whatever! She looked like a complete trailer trash hooch. Not good.
So, because Tammy had no idea how to be feminine and professional...it was MY fault Tammy was a distraction in the office. I was insulted and told Pathetic that I would NOT alter my clothing and if there was a problem, address it with Tammy. That was the last of those conversations and Tammy got fired for other reasons than being a bad C list porn star wanna be. HEE!
Lately, I've been breaking out of the mold of true fishnets and going for all kinds of textured tights instead. I should be a leg covering designer. HEY...*ouch. A thought!*
I'm going to chronicle this winter with some pix of some of the coolest leg wear I have. Who knows? I could be on to a new career!

I'll be adding to this blog. So, if you have any interest to see fun leggings...come back.







 






























Tuesday, October 20, 2009

BE ENLIGHTENED!!!

Not one original thought, photo, opinion, hissy fit, whine, rant or epiphany! Just some "quotes" to remember and incorporate in to my daily living.
That is all~
Buh-bye!




Today's mantras:

 

 






Saturday, October 17, 2009

EYE OPENING

I had one of those jarring, wake you from your sleep, blazing epiphanies in the wee hours this morning. At the time, actually for about an hour, maybe a little more...that universal life sucking heaviness I referred to in my last blog, was relieved. I could actually breathe for a while. Deep breaths. I felt some calmness, serenity and understanding. Some of the darkness flowed from the rigid, tenseness of my body. I felt like a hostage set free! I had a reprieve and felt some light. I hoped with all hope it would stay with me...forever. It's subsided now but, I think I will get to take some of the initial  realization with me into the future.
I ended up deleting a huge part of this blog. It just seemed I needed to keep the rant for myself. But, I will share this...

I always make the end of a relationship MY fault. Regardless if the guy was pure evil, a raging alcoholic, emotionally dead, ridiculously immature or, admittedly and repeatedly unavailable. What I'm changing my mind to believe is that I am the catch. It's NOT all my fault! I am worth loving. I am a pretty damn amazing woman in a relationship and as a friend! If I give to much emotionally, physically and tangibly and YOU can't handle it, it's YOUR loss! YOUR problem! I FUCKING ROCK! To many men, BOYS, I have been with just couldn't deal with my honesty, integrity, spirit, GIVING heart... Most of them didn't DESERVE the ME I gave them!!!!! How sad and pathetic for them! If you'd rather have the bitchy, selfish, porn star (looking and acting), lying, self centered, controllable "sweetheart"...knock your self OUT, again and again and again, over and over and over...
Sidebar: Beauty fades, stupid stays! And, even mind blowing sex becomes mundane when attached to a shell of a human being~
I suspect the end result will be the same for you, as it always is. Just like my very own storyline and its ending! I acknowledge this!!!!!!!!!
To quote Albert Einstein, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I'm jumping OFF the fucking crazy train! I'm going to stop my own insanity!  I deserve better. I want better. I will have better because I am going to give myself to me and treat myself like I treated those thankless "boys!" Assholes! What the FUCK was I thinking????????????! Only one and about a half, are not regrettable yet, they didn't work either. So? What was the deal? They will both most likely make it to the WTF category. No. One will not be lumped into the WTF category for sure! But, I STILL wonder "why/why not" with him. The others...what GIGANTIC bullets I dodged by not spending more time with them! Or tragically being connected for a lifetime via a child! Trust me, I WASTED...WASTED, plenty of precious life and time crying over them and not understanding what I did wrong. I'm DONE! Done with assuming ALL the blame.

My epiphany was...I would rather be me or be like me than EVER lower my bar again for someone who doesn't deserve me and ALL that comes with me! If you've spent even a minute with me...you know what a monumental statement this is for me to make about myself! And so is this...I am an OUTSTANDING person!
I will respect myself, pay attention to my intuition and NEVER allow myself to accept less than 100% love EVER again! This goes for women and friendships as well. The other realization that happened in the early morning hours...love may NEVER happen for me again! I'd rather have NO ONE...EVER again, than compromise who I am one more time! Yes...I am using NEVER and EVER! I mean it! I NOW expect the very best for myself. If you're not it...MOVE the fuck ON! I will NOT waste my precious time and beautiful heart on your ass! I can "do" alone! It may even be best for me. But, I will NOT be compromising!
Al I can do at this point is to tell myself over and over that I do deserve THE BEST and hope I put it into ACTION and stay TRUE to my conviction!!!!!!



 

 

 

Friday, October 16, 2009

ESCAPE

I can't get away from myself. I NEED too! I'm hoping if I post some of my photos, I'll release into the calm and the blankness of my mind so I can forget...escape, if only for a few minutes. I have a long way to go emotionally! I thought I was further along than I am!!!! I not. Yet, I am at the same time. It's a mess in this head of mine, be assured. I get so tired of wishing my life away, but, I wish it was a year from now. I have got to know I WILL feel better by then but, HOPING serenity?, neutrality?, INDIFFERENCE!!!! will come to me BEFORE another year has vaporized.
Let's see if this gives me any reprieve from my morning loneliness and obsessiveness.

PS~I know I have so much more to learn about photography. I have another class scheduled in a month. From there, I hope to start taking many more classes. I have the time! I NEED the diversion!








 


 


 





 


This did help if only for 15 minutes~
It was 15 minutes well spent!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

HEAVINESS

Do you know it? Is it the same for everyone? The oppressive, can't breathe, can't think, struggle to get the universe off your chest kind of heaviness? I have that....again. Well, I've been struggling with it for about 7 months (In two days it will be exactly 7 months) but, it had started to subside a little and some days I thought I was going to be okay. Until yesterday. Yesterday, I decided to temp fate and make contact with the person who still has my heart. My heart feels broken and shattered all over again because of the exchange. And, it was simply contact through online comments and messages. Short, sweet, to the point, yet hidden meanings understood. On my part anyway. Maybe he missed my subtle messages. I can't know. And, now...I'm sure I read to much in to what he wrote. Hello 21st century and the age of online communication. I shouldn't complain about communicating with him this way. We started a "relationship", grew closer than if we were always together physically, shared secrets and dreams and got to know each other MUCH MORE intimately via conversation on the internet. We had no choice. We we were 1600 miles apart! For me...that's the really hard part. I DID share more with him than ANY other man I've loved. I was more myself with him than any other man I've loved. We took our time getting to know each other without all that other "stuff" getting in the way to skew real emotions. I have to speak for myself...I allowed myself to get to know him on a cerebral level rather than physically and it made ALL the difference in the world...to me! I had to share my emotions and thoughts rather than...well, you know, just jumping in... It's what I romanticize and fantasize and miss the VERY most about him...HIS MIND! I felt challenged. And yes, sometimes annoyed. His conversation. I wanted to share everything with him. His maturity. I wanted to settle down and be the REAL me, not the facade of how most people know me. His openness. He made me want to be open and honest. His way of thinking! His ability to make me THINK and change my mind about things. His creativity. He inspired a new passion in my creativity. His intelligence (he's so smart). He made me want to learn. His BEING. He created peace in me. His essence! He showed me I wanted to be a better person. I became gentler, kinder, balanced,  optimistic...I miss him everyday. Yet EVERYDAY, I have to remind myself that he doesn't want me! Not the way I want him! I know he'd love to be friends. He did say once that THAT is what he'll miss about me, my friendship. I believe we were BEST friends! How could we not have been. We covered EVERYTHING there is to talk about between best friends! God, that hurts! But, I just can't have this kind of emotion AND be his friend...still love him, and hear him talk about...his life. I'm truly, completely afraid of what I'll hear. How someone, NOT ME, has captured his AMAZING heart.



Sunday, October 4, 2009

SEPTEMBER






September. What memories swirl with this one word?

Here a few fun and useless facts you may or may not know regarding September. The Jetsons, The Flintstones and NFL Football premiered. It's the month to observe rice, honey and mushrooms. Earth, Wind and Fire, Daughtry, Green Day and Neil Diamond perform songs about September. I love them all...the shows, the food and the songs. Well, not the football thing so much. :) September is the start of fall though it's usually still a thousand degrees in Georgia. I seem to know several people who have birthdays this month. Hmmmmm, do the math...Christmas/holiday "made" babies? :)

For me, September has proven to be a solemn month the past few years. September 11, 2001. Need I say more? It impossible to believe EIGHT years have vanished! My mother died 2006. I put my kitty Butch to sleep in 2008 after being with him for 17 years. I marked off a 6 month time frame of missing someone I grew to love. My brother and sister are struggling with family and jobs. It's a tough month. WHERE...where does time go???

But, I put one foot in front of the other. I try to find the emerging days with cooling temperatures and shorter rays of sun to take my mind away from the dark moments of September. This year, I went to Maine for a few days. I was wrapped in sublime days met with chilly nights. The stars are endless. You stop. You REALLY stop and notice...the universe. Or, the concept of the universe. You take in your environment instead of merely passing through your allotted 24 hours. The air is different there...clean, pure, crisp. The people are friendly. The food yummy and the scenery is breathtaking. This September, I had a pretty good percentage of good days measured against the not so good days. Hey...it's an improvement.

Here are some photos of my September 2009.