When it cracks...it's WIDE open

I got THE phone call last night I've been dreaming of for MONTHS now. It was late, I had my old faithful Ambien digested so I don't recall EVERY word which, makes me a bit sad, because I HAVE been anticipating what I might say at this moment for SUCH a long time. It's always the whir in the aftermath when you feel like you SHOULD have said this or that. When your brain goes in to full tilt and every possible scenario of the exchange gets played out, but it's to late. The moment is gone.  I was however, left WARM, confused, hopeful, sensing a finality, MIXED UP and afraid all at the same time. LOL! I CAN LOL at this. It feels pretty good that I can process what happened and be at relative peace with it. It means no matter what happens from here...I will be okay! I WON'T analyze the call any more. Okay...yes I will, but...I'm going to try to just let it go. It is what it is. There is no changing the interaction.
This isn't the point of this blog though. It is the precipice for some new awakenings in my soul. I've been getting closer and closer to connecting some things that have been swirling around in my head that happened in my past.

Left with my thoughts after the call, an IMAGE came to me. It's an actual situation that happened to me and I've ended up attaching this real scenario to MANY situations that have happened to me since. I had this vision after hanging up the phone. I HOPE it's not an omen for the outcome! But, I've been here before with the person. I survived once or twice before. I can overcome a third time.

My parents divorced when I was 15. I didn't know why, how, when my parents made their decision. I mean, it was a living HELL in the house, but, NOTHING was EVER explained to me or my younger sister and brother. I found out my dad was leaving when I walked in to my parents bedroom and saw a bunch of packed bags. I asked what was going on and my mother in all her hatefulness told me "your father is leaving." MmmmmmK...how does a 15 year old react to that bomb? This 15 year old walked out of their room and in to my own. I closed and locked my door. Some time after that, my dad came down to my room, knocked on the door, gave me about 3 seconds to respond and said "I'm leaving now." I didn't say a word, move a muscle or acknowledge his presence. A few minutes later I heard his car start. I flew from my bed, scrambled to open my door, raced up the stairs, ran to the front door, swung it open and rivaled Hermes to run for my dad as he was pulling forward to leave down the street. With the wailing and terror only those who have agonized the loss of their world as they know it, I made it to the middle of the street, shrieking for my dad to come back...please don't leave, screaming for him, only to see the back of his car flicker in the sun as he was GONE, mostly for good, from my life! WHOA!

This is in some form or fashion the same affect I feel when someone, when a MAN I love and care about, leaves from my life. It's the helpless, abandoned, LEFT ALONE feeling. There I am, alone...watching as "he" leaves me standing...stunned in the wake. I kinda had this image last night. I was a child again. I was left alone and and just like when I was 15, I was expected to morph in to some kind of maturity and take care of myself and deal with the situation with NO guidance...or love. How can a kid handle a traumatic event without help from an adult? They don't, is the answer. Now that I have this down in written form, the correlation between my phone call last night and my childhood experience don't really match up. But, somehow after chatting on the phone, this imagery did pop in to my head. So, there is SOMETHING here I probably still need to tie together and explore. Interesting.

In addition, within the past 3-4 months or so, I have had another scenario that I have been able to ABSOLUTELY clarify in my head and put in to words:

My dad left me for another woman...another GIRL!

I have finally been able to verbalize this with lightening bolt clarity!

My dad left our home and within a short amount of time, married a GIRL...a girl TWENTY NINE years younger than himself. Here's a better picture. My dad was 47 when he married a girl who was 18!!!!! Yeah sure, that happens EVERY day. I get that. But, my dad showed me that he rather spend time with a girl EXACTLY my same age than be with me or spend time with me! I've been carrying this shit around for about ohhhhhh...THIRTY years!!!! Now that I finally got it sorted out in my head, I can see how I have been impacted my WHOLE life by this cozy little cluster fuck. Thanks dad! Yet, as soon as I came to this precise discovery, I have felt better. I don't feel like I'm so crazy anymore. With maturity, life experiences, tons of therapy...growing up and taking responsibility for my own actions...I really do have a calmness regarding what happened to me at 15-18 years old!

For now, I'm done with this blog. Purging and giving myself written word to come back to is really helping me! I may come back to this and add or subtract, but, for now...here is a another glimpse in to Kim Edwards and all that comes with me!

Maybe next time I'll write something funny or less depressing! :)